Getting used to it

I haven’t experienced loss until recently. I mean, people I know have died and I’ve mourned them and moved on. But, until recently, I didn’t know what it was like to lose someone that was a consistent part of my life. I lost my aunt three weeks ago today. I never thought of her dying anytime soon, lol the thought of her dying never crossed my mind, period. I feel this lump in my throat every time I think or talk about her. I’m typing this and I’m feeling a heaviness in my chest. Is this how it feels? Does the pain ever go away? Or do you block it out? The first few days after her death, I would say her name out loud whenever I was alone and tell myself “she’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead”. I repeated it three times, out loud. I was finding it hard to accept that I will never see her again so repeating those words to myself was one way for me to come to terms with the situation. Everyday, since her death, I see or hear something that reminds me of her; the color purple, that was the color of nail polish she had on the last time I saw her, tomatoes (don’t even ask me why lol), a song, my bracelet she said was ugly and a lot more stuff. These things were seemingly insignificant before she died and now I associate them with her. She would’ve been 44 in January. I still can’t believe she’s gone. And I don’t understand why my mind is finding it difficult to process it. I saw her the Sunday before she died, when it was time to leave, I stared at her for a good minute because I knew that would be the last time I saw her and I wanted to have the image of her engraved in my head. Even that didn’t prepare me for the news of her death, it didn’t prepare me for the shock, it didn’t cushion the blow.

I had a dream about her the day she was buried. She came to our house and told us that whoever said she was dead was lying, that she was just sick and that she was going to kick their asses for lying like that about her lol. I woke up wishing it wasn’t a dream.

My grandmother’s death didn’t hurt this much. I was 9 then. I still remember the last time I saw her, she was driving out of our compound, smiling and waving at us. She had to go back home and see her doctor, she said. She was really sick and she wasn’t getting better. I didn’t feel this much pain probably because I was young, I was okay in no time. But I still miss her. I can still hear her voice in my head.

I keep wondering how my mom feels, she’s the one that lost a sibling. I know she hasn’t slept well since it happened, I haven’t slept well since it happened. We talk about her sometimes, and each time, my mom says “it’s painful”. Okay now I’m crying lol.

Hopefully I’ll come to terms with losing her, hopefully. It feels like it’s a bad dream, but I know it’s not. I know she’s buried 6ft under, but somehow, my mind refuses to accept that and I don’t know why. Why is it so hard?

I don’t even want to imagine what other people who have lost loved ones most be going though. Fathers, mothers, siblings, children, spouses. I don’t think the pain ever goes away. I read something about how you just get used to it, how you just learn to live with it.