Alone with my thoughts

I got home from work less than 30 minutes ago. I’m sitting at the kitchen table and typing this because I might not get another chance to write for weeks or even months lol. I’m working two jobs now, it’s not easy and I’m always tired, but the good kind of tired. My friends think my working hours are too long but I don’t mind tbh, it takes my mind off things. I have to keep myself as busy as I possibly can so that the few hours I’m not working, I’ll be too tired to think about anything else and just sleep. I think about taking my life, sometimes. No, not sometimes, everyday. I used food to distract myself from the crappy feeling, but I stopped because all it did was make me gain weight and give me bad skin. Now I buy things I don’t need because I need that instant gratification that only lasts for a short period. I’m tired. Sometimes, I have hope for the future and excitedly make plans. And sometimes, I wonder what even is the point. What am I really doing? It’s like I have so much to live for and at the same time, there’s nothing worth living for. Idk if I’m making sense. I have a ton of pills I could take now and probably have a painless death lol. I hope I’m not bumming you out with my sad stuff. I have acted in the most reckless ways I possibly could in the past few weeks to make myself feel better, still… I don’t think I want to be on this earth anymore. Maybe I’ll be fine, idk. Life sucks lol.