My current struggle

I wasn’t in a good place the last time I wrote. I’m still not in a good place. Over the past few months, my mental health has taken big, devastating hits and I know I usually come out of hard times unscathed but this time, I don’t think I will. I don’t know if I’m going to be fine. I don’t know if I’m going to survive this. I keep telling myself that maybe this feeling is all in my head and that I’m actually fine. That my brain is tricking me into believing that everything’s not okay. I don’t know. Keeping busy hasn’t helped at all, it helped in the beginning but now… a few weeks ago, I was ready to end it all. It took some nice people and a counselor from MANI to help me stay sane. I felt (and still feel) that nothing was going to get better. I went on google to search if it would be a painful or painless death if I overdosed on sleeping pills and there were suicide hotlines on the first page 🙂 I thought of slitting my wrists but I didn’t want the pain, I wanted a pain-free way out. Maybe that’s a sign that I actually want to live? Or that I’m a coward? I don’t know. There’s a lot of things I don’t know. One of them is what is really going on with me? I know there’s something wrong, I just don’t know what is. Low serotonin levels? I’ve tried medication for that and still…

I feel that this life is not worth living since I’m going to end up dying anyway. Why am I working to have a good life if I can just drop dead at any moment? I’m so worried about going at anytime that I don’t even bother to live anymore, to enjoy my time here. It’s funny, right? On one hand, I want to end my life, and on the other, I’m worried about it ending when I least expect it. Lol some would say it’s a matter of consent, haha.

I have been dealing with this problem for over 5 years now, I don’t know what the problem is, but it’s there. I’ll just say what I always say, “I’m not fine, I don’t know if I’m going to be fine, but I’m going to try.” And if depression wins, know that I fought like hell and it wasn’t an easy fight ❤️